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Typical multi-home stepfamilies are riddled with conflicts between three or more co-parents and their relatives over child discipline, nutrition, visitations, custody, hygiene, religion, schooling, hoidays, loyalties, expenses, names, responsibilities, and other topics. The scope, complexity, and persistence of these disputes among ex mates, stepparents, and relatives can significantly contribute to eventual re/divorce. (The "/" notes it may be a stepparent´s first union).
This guidebook
is part of a
series intended to help co-parents and supporters overcome five common hazards that combine to (1) promote
epidemic U.S. re/divorce, and (2) pass on significant psychological
wounds to vulnerable children. The hazards are:
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co-parents´ shared
unawarenesses and ignorance of key information; plus...
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unseen psychological wounds from low-nurturance childhoods; plus...
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incomplete or blocked grief in kids and/or adults, which inhibits new bonds and adult intimacy; plus...
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courtship neediness and romantic illusions; plus...
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little informed stepfamily help in the media and local community.
Typical nuclear stepfamilies include three or more co-parents (bioparents and stepparents) and several minor kids shuttling between two or more homes:
Parenting effectively in this environment is far more complex than in "traditional" intact biological families - which catches typical co-parents and relatives by surprise.
Why this book (and series)? Families exist to nurture - i.e. to fill key needs of their kids and adults. Most U.S. stepfamilies follow the divorce of one or both new mates, most of whom are parents. Divorce suggests that their kids weren´t well nurtured in their first family, and have many concurrent developmental + special needs to fill in their complex stepfamily. Minor kids depend on their bioparents and new stepparents to help fill these vital needs
, which they can neither understand or articulate ("Mom, I need you three co-parents to help me (a) identify and grieve my divorce-related losses, (b) regain my security and self esteem, (c) learn my weird new roles as a stepson, visiting bio-son, and step-nephew; and (d) disengage from the fighting between you, Dad, and his new wife, while I keep working on my normal developmental tasks so I can leave home successfully, OK?")
Typical co-parents have little training or experience in identifying and filling many of their minor (and adult) child needs. Typical new mates and their ex mate/s and kin must overcome a web of up to nine major barriers to effectively identify and fill their kids´ normal and special needs and their own. Trying to do this usually generates moderate to major conflicts between ex mates and new spouses for years - even after kids have left home.
This practical guidebook explores each of these barriers in depth, an offers
specific options for resolving conflicts and increasing effective co-parenting teamwork despite common unawarenesses, disagreements, and unhealed wounds, hurts, distrusts, disrespects, and losses.
What´s Different About These Books?
This and the companion books for (a) typical divorcing-family and stepfamily co-parents and their supporters are unique for six reasons...
They´re based on 26 years´ full-time clinical and personal experience and research. These have illuminated a sequence of co-parent Projects to avoid or neutralize the five re/marital hazards above. No other stepfamily book or article has identified these, what they mean, or what to do about them.
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These books propose that average courting co-parents need to work at Projects 1-7 together to choose the right people (adults and kids) to commit to, for the right reasons, at the right time. These Projects and related resources are outlined in Stepfamily Courtship (xlibris.com). Partners who didn´t do the Projects before their "encore" vows can do the first six of them any time - though they may have made wrong commitment choices...
And the books in this b Break the Cycle!" series are unique because they...
Three more uniquenesses:
this and the other Break the Cycle! guidebooks...
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Provide
Internet links to over 200 relevant
articles, worksheets,
answers, and
resources to
augment their contents; and...
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My personality, writing style, training (engineering
and social work), and 70 years´ life experience (engineering, business,
teaching, and 17,000 hours of consultation and therapy with
~ 1,000 intact, divorcing, and stepfamily co-parents since 1981). My learnings from personal "ACoA" recovery from a
very low-nurturance childhood since 1986
greatly influence these
books and Web articles.. And...
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I have many years of personal
experience as a stepgrandson, adult stepson, remarried stepfather of two
girls, and stepbrother of four - and an admirer of two haughty stepcats.
Recap: this clear,
practical reference guidebook aims to help remarried co-parents and lay
and professional supporters focus on one of 12 related long-term concurrent Projects - Project 10: intentionally (a) assess for and (b) overcome up to nine barriers to vital co-parenting teamwork needed to (c) help minor
children fill a complex set of normal and special needs, while steadily nurturing
the adults´ needs well enough.
Readers will get much more from Build a Co-parenting Team After
Divorce and Re/marriage if they have invested in the prior
Xlibris books
Stepfamily
Courtship (Projects 1-7)
and
Build a High-nurturance Stepfamily (Projects 8-12). This book is equally useful when one or both partners´ former mate/s died. and when stepkids are adults. Note also the co-parent resource for Project-8: The Remarriage Book.
Book contents
Book Display
After Divorce or Remarriage