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This second edition (9/03) will introduce you to your inner family, and who leads it in calm and crisis times. If you don’t know who comprises your inner crew or who’s in charge of them, you may be living life as a hostage to a false self and not know it. If so, you’re probably living well below your potential, and may also be wounding kids in your life without meaning to. The rest of the book outlines an effective way to reduce any significant wounds, and live a calmer, more authentic, productive, satisfying life.
Notice your reaction to these proposals and to the book´s title. I suspect you think “Well I am running my life!” Sure - but have you ever thought about who “I” is?
Reality check: Have you ever had experiences like these?
• Blowing hot and cold about someone or something?
• Saying “On one hand,… and on the other…”?
• Obsessively second-guessing (doubting) an important decision you’ve made?
• Having “discussions” or "arguments" with yourself inside your head?
• An “inner voice” ceaselessly berating you for being stupid, dumb, weird, or unlovable?
• Loved and hated someone at the same time?
• Wanted to do something and simultaneously not wanted to do it?
• Done something impulsive and later thought “What got into me?”
• Known people who seemed two-faced, talked out of both sides of their mouth, and “like two different people”?
• Felt “young” when around an authority figure or perhaps a critical parent?
• Have you ever been described as having a yellow or mean streak, a blue mood or a musical side, or a silver tongue, or a way with kids?
These are everyday signs of an invisible condition that shapes the lives of you and everyone you know. It’s based on a marvelous survival feature of our human neural system recently called multiplicity: our brain’s wired-in ability to respond to childhood environmental threat by fragmenting into regions with special abilities. Using radiographic PET scans, we’re the first generation in history to be able to see these regions operating concurrently. The unitary experience of “I see my child laugh” involves many regions of your brain at once, without your knowing it. So does everything you do!
Main Ideas
This book results from my studying and practicing inner family therapy for over a decade. It describes what I’ve come to believe without question about average women and men like you:
Normal people have personalities that are composed of a collection of subselves or parts, like members of an orchestra or athletic team. Each subself has it’s own talent or gift, it’s own values and goals, and it’s own limitations. Our inner families of subselves can range from harmonious to chaotic in calm and crisis times.
The nature of these subselves and the relationships among them are determined in the first several years of life of average kids. If kids are raised in a high-nurturance environment, their inner family is much more apt to be harmonious, and led (eventually) by a talented true Self (capital “S”). When you feel some mix of calm, centered, energized, light, focused, resilient, up, grounded, relaxed, alert, aware, alive serene, purposeful, and clear, your true Self is probably leading your inner family of subselves (personality).
How often have you felt that way, recently?
Most of us grow up in moderate to low-nurturance homes, which feels normal. The automatic (unintended) result is the early development of a set of subselves which control our thoughts and actions without our knowing it – a false self. If your life is occasionally, often, or always run by a false self, (1) you won’t know it, and (2) you’ll have persistent patterns of health, relationship, and other “problems.” These problems occur largely because false-selves unintentionally cause a mix of significant psychological wounds:
• Excessive shame, guilts, and fears;
• Significant reality distortions, like denials, repressions, exaggerations, idealizations, and projections;
• Major trust distortions: trusting too easily, or not enough.
These wounds combine for some people to cause…
• Difficulty bonding (attaching psychologically and spiritually) with some or all other people, and difficulty feeling, expressing, and/or receiving love. The clinical name for this tragic condition is "Reactive Attachment Disorder" (RAD).
The extreme version of this psychological wounding is Multiple Personality Disorder, now called Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). It’s estimated that about 5% of Americans have this major disability.
You may wonder whether you’re being covertly controlled by a false self. Here are 43 common behavioral traits of people whose natural inner leader, their true Self (capital “S”) is often disabled.
This book is the first in a series devoted to preventing (re)divorce, which affects millions of kids and adults in Millennium America.
Pause and notice your thoughts and emotions now. Is your true Self leading your inner family of subselves? If not, who is? If you have a partner, which subselves are leading her or his personality in calm and conflictual times? What would your relationships be like if both of you were guided by your wise true Selves and Higher Power?
Part 1 of this book introduces you to your inner family and the six false-self wounds.
Part 2 describes an effective way to reduce the wounds: "parts work," or "inner-family therapy."
Part 3 offers 12 worksheets to help self-assess for wounds, how to "score them," and suggestions for next steps.
Part 4 provides selected recovery resources, including inspirations, readings, and a thorough index.
Here´s more detail:
Book Display
Free Your Self from Custody, and Guard Your Kids