Teaching Between the Lines

Grief and Loss: Frequently Asked Questions What Do I Say to the Class? You’ve just gotten the news that a child’s parent has died. The child is not in school, but will be returning within the week. You have overheard some children talking about the death, repeating what they may have heard their parents saying. Do you ignore the topic and hope that families will just handle it at home? No. You take a deep breath and tell your class that there’s something you all need to talk about. Stay calm. Then you say, “You may have heard something about Jack’s father.” (At this point, probably several hands will go up and/or students will call out what they’ve heard.) You go on . . . “It is true that Mr. Humbert died yesterday.” (At this point they will probably begin sharing information they have heard – he had cancer, he was hit by a car, etc. Do not get involved in a discussion of how he died.) Say, “We’re not going to have a discussion about how he died, but we do need to talk about the best way for us to help Jack. I know this is scary stuff, and some of you have had the experience of losing someone you loved.” (Now some of them will want to say that their grandmother died, or their aunt, or their dog. You need to let them say this. After each comment, say simply and sincerely, “Thank you for sharing that, I know this is hard.” That’s all. You don’t need to say anything else. They may get sad because this may remind them of their own loss, and that is normal. **WATCH FOR** If a student seems to be getting extremely upset – crying, for example – tell them that you can talk later in private, and ask them if they’d like to stay in class for the rest of the discussion or if they’d like to go to the clinic or nurse and just rest until it’s time for whatever you’ll be doing next – math, P.E., etc. Showing respect for their feelings is very important, and important for the rest of the class to see, as well. OK, you’ve made it this far, the rest is easier: Say, “Those of you who have shared that you’ve lost someone, if you have any suggestions for what we should do when Jack returns, raise your hand.” (You will probably get some suggestions; listen to them and thank the kids for sharing them. Some of them may be really helpful.) Now say to the class, “What do you think we should do when he comes back to school, when we first see him?” (They will probably suggest things like, “Say we’re sorry, Give him a hug, etc.) Here’s the important part: You say, “Yes, we are sorry and we do want him to know we care about him, but this is the best thing to do: When he comes back just say, ‘Hi, glad you’re back.’ Or, ‘Good to see you, we missed you.’ That’s it. He gets to be the leader here. If he wants to talk to you, then your job as a good friend is to listen when he wants to talk. If he is not thinking about it at the moment, your job as a good friend is to not bring it up. He is the leader here. He may want to talk or he may not, or he may start thinking about it all of a sudden and want to talk . . . if he does, your job, as a good friend is to listen to him and let him know you care about him. He may be more quiet than usual, or not. He may seem ok, but then sometimes get sad or irritable. Everyone reacts a little differently, so we will just be here if he needs us.” Note: It is often helpful if the principal sends a letter home to the families of the students in the class, informing them that there has been a death in the student’s family. This, of course, should only be done by the administrator at their discretion, after considering all the various implications and options to help the family.