Making This Better

A Friday in July 2007 I have just cried. I know I am hormonal, so that is a contributing factor, but sometimes I still feel like crying. The biggest thing for me, the thing that is constantly in my head, is the fact that Danny had sex with ‘her’. I think that at the beginning of this journal I said that it wasn’t the main thing for me. That it was for Danny but not for me. I did mean it at the time; perhaps it was because I had so many other things in my head to deal with. Now I don’t have as many things in my head, which is a good thing, but it has also opened the way for me to deal with what was actually the worst thing of all. And perhaps at the beginning it was just too big for me to deal with, so I put it to the back of my mind. Now it is here and I know, as is my nature, I have to confront it to deal with it. But how do I do that? I am hoping that by writing this in my journal it will help me. I know that Danny says that he thought he had lost me, and that he was only ‘going through the motions’. That he had to shut his eyes and think of me. But although I really want to believe him I can’t. I know Danny well enough, and if he had something on his mind he would not be able to get an erection. – It happened often enough with us. He had sex with ‘her’ on the night he text me (supposedly because he thought he had totally lost me, that I had changed my number, because I had not text back.) How did he do that? Danny says that if I had not text back he would have come to work and waited for me by my car; when, in a day, a week, a month? I don’t believe he ever would have. I am crying now, but I know that I have to write these thoughts down to make some sense in my head. (That’s the control freak in me!) I know that Danny had a fumbling session with ‘her’ (crap!) when were together at ‘her’ brother’s house. But if he loved me (loves me, sorry shouldn’t use past tense.) how could he have sex with ‘her’ after he left when it was supposedly something he regretted from the minute he shut the front door? I want to believe so much, but can’t. I am not that type of person (sometimes I wish I was) and that undermines us. We went to the counsellor and she said that we had an ‘inner couple’ that not everybody has. I know that Danny loves me, I know that he is so happy we are back together, I know he got caught up in something; I know his weaknesses and guilt made him run away; but how come his grief at our break up, his guilt and his love for me didn’t prevent him from being able to have sex with ‘her? ‘Something does not tie up. I don’t feel that I can talk to Danny about this; but I fear that if I don’t it will destroy us. He thinks we are moving forward, and we are in a lot of things; but for me, right now, I feel this will always hold me back and eventually destroy us. I have found this really hard. I am hoping I can find some resolution. That I will look back in a couple of months and be able to see it has got better. We have had lots of good points this week. But I can’t write about them right now because this overshadows them. 5.15pm I can’t read what I have written because I have been upset all day. I spoke to Nel for an hour after writing it and we agreed that my hormones have a lot to do with how I feel, but I know, also, that this is the final and hardest hurdle. I am going to provide a makeup party for Hannah’s daughter’s birthday, and I am looking forward to it. I promised Hannah I would be okay, and funny, like I used to be, how I normally am! Danny has picked up that something is wrong; but I will stick to my plan that I drew up with Nel – wait until the hormones are gone and keep writing in here. Then see how I feel. When I spoke to Hannah she said that Danny says those things to make things better, because he is so desperate not to lose me. But I think that it is more to make Danny feel better because he does not want to lose me, and hates what he has done. I suppose that in some way that should make me feel better: that is how little he thinks of ‘her,’ or what they did. In some ways it does. I know that it may not be all that I am making it out to be in my head. But unless Danny talks to me about it I will never know. What if it was what I think in my head? How would I deal with that? And even if Danny told me it wasn’t would I believe him? Right now I don’t want to kiss Danny let alone do anything else. I can use my tooth falling out as the perfect excuse. This is going to be my hardest test. Because right now I feel that I need space from Danny; and for us to survive I have to overcome that. Rosie