Don't Be A Dick

Rule 1 - Don't Be a Dick It seems like a simple concept to me. Just don't be a dick! Truth is it's not as simple as it appears. You would be surprised how many people cannot help but act like a dick on a regular basis. There are countless forms of dickery which are not limited to the examples I will provide. I have developed categories and sub-categories to help us understand some of the regular things we do when conversing. The key thing I try to remember when having a conversation is if I am not adding to the conversation, then I am taking away from it. Dr. Dick If you find yourself always trying to rescue people by offering unsolicited advice, then you may be a dick. The individuals that fall in this category are problem solvers. They have the solution to all of your problems and the answers to all the questions you never asked. These people are focused on resolution without stopping to consider the situation. They appear to be so fixated on the problem and how to fix it that they cannot appreciate the complexities of the problem at hand. They are quick to interrupt so they can offer their suggestions and give their opinions. My opinion - You are being a dick. Suggestion - Don't be a dick. My wife and I had been dating for a little over a year when we moved in together. We shared a small two bedroom apartment in the city. We just got engaged and we were prepared to start our future together. After work we would meet up in our living room to talk about our workdays. To be honest, she would speak about of some of her challenges while I was looking for ways to solve every problem she had. Sometimes, she would come home seeming discouraged and frustrated with herself. She would describe a work situation while remaining as vague as possible, providing very little details. She would focus more on her feelings and less on the triggering events. As a “fixer” I would jump in trying to find solutions. I would provide her with advice, telling her what she could or should do to solve her problem. Her problem however, was me. She did not need to find a solution. She wanted to be heard and have her feelings validated. She required a safe place to share her frustrations. I was so focused on her problem that I never provided her with an outlet that would allow her to vent. My wife is an intelligent, task oriented and successful woman. She operates on facts and logic. She can second guess herself at times and it will reflect in her confidence level. When something crosses over to the emotional realm, she can struggle. She understands that emotions can be irrational, so at times she requires a sounding board. She needs to talk it out and hear herself problem-solve until she finds her own solutions. My presence is strictly ornamental. When my wife comes to me to vent about work related situations and I attempt to rescue her by offering suggestions and advice, I am assuming she has not done her due diligence. I am taking for granted that she has not explored all of her options or that she has hit a wall in her process. I should not assume when she is venting that she has run out of options or that she is asking for help. It is best to reserve opinions and advice until the end of the conversation or when you are asked. The truth is I don't know what she has tried because she has not shared that information. She has also ignored all probing I made in an attempt to learn more on the matter. This was not the focus or the goal when she was venting. My wife and I have often said that we would leave work at the office and not talk shop when we get home. Sometimes however, emotions run hot and it is difficult to leave it behind. I have learned that once my wife comes home from work there is a period of time devoted for debriefing or venting about our day. It is a great way to transition between work and home. We have developed a system where I will ask her if this conversation requires my ears or both my ears and my mouth. She usually lets me know what she needs and I am smart enough to appreciate her method. Often, she will go to our bar fridge and bring me up a can of listening juice. That is my cue that she does not need me to talk, just listen. In these instances, the conversation normally ends before the can is empty. I would like to believe that most advice givers do not believe people are too dumb to problem solve on their own or are unable to handle a particular situation. I think they are genuinely trying to help without understanding that the best way to help sometimes is simply to be present. People try too hard to come up with something to say or to offer guidance. It's amazing how little talking is involved in active listening. Just listen.