BETTER PARENTING

1. Do kids learn desirable ways of behaving just as they learn undesirable behavior, or are there two different ways kids learn to behave? Ineffective Answers: Some parents believe that all behavior is associated with emotions and feelings. However, we do not learn our behavior patterns or acquire behavior patterns based on our emotions and feelings alone. It is also important to note that children express themselves not because of some internal natural bent, trait, or tendency but they express themselves relative to how they have learned to express themselves and what leads to some type of happy experience for them. Again, habits are learned and are very hard to change but they do not occur naturally. They are learned. To change a habit, one has to learn a new behavior in place of the old behavior. Behavior changes do not occur just because we ask them to change or we plead with the child to change behavior. Effective Answers: All behavior is learned, both good and bad behavior patterns are learned in the same way. Much more powerful is the reward that a child receives for a particular action than whether he feels good or not good about how he is behaving at any given time. Children learn what behaviors or actions bring about a rewarding or reinforcing response from parents, grandparents, friends, teachers, siblings, and various idols popular at the time. And they learn undesirable behaviors in the same way. Children behave according to what brings about a positive response from others or what it takes to reduce their stress, anxiety, displeasure, or distress. Unfortunately, often times what children learn is inappropriate and undesirable. They learn both sets of behavior in the same way and from the same sources. It is we the parents that decide whether the behavior pattern is desirable or undesirable. Children learn to behave and respond to situations without the label of what is desirable or undesirable. Such labels come later after a child has learned to act is a particular manner. Hence, as parents, it is important to reward only desirable behavior, reward it profusely if it is a very important behavior you want your child to learn and engage in regularly. Reward it consistently. Encourage others to reward the same behavior as you work together as a family in teaching your young children appropriate behavior patterns. BEHAVIOR PATTERNS ARE LEARNED ALL BEHAVIOR IS LEARNED, BOTH APPROPRIATE AND INAPPROPRIATE. 2. What is the formula to change an undesirable behavior once it has been established? Ineffective Answers: While it is important for a child to understand why you want a particular behavior to change, that will not produce change in itself. It is probably helpful if you instruct the child as to your desire for change, why you want the change, and what the benefits of the change would be but that will not produce the change alone. You still have to follow-up with the appropriate behavior being systematically rewarded. Children base their behavior on the predicted outcome of it. Therefore, they want to be guided in a predictable manner not in some flexible or unscheduled manner. Relying on punishment is not the answer. Children respond better to rewards than they do to punishment. Rewards tell the child what to do again as compared to a punishment which tells the child what not to do. Unfortunately, punishment never tells what to do. Research has shown us that the consistent use of rewards is far better than the use of punishment. It is far better to be consistent in the use of rewards with your children than to be flexible and go back and forth between providing a lot of reward and then changing and providing a series of punishments. That strategy indicates to a child that his parents are unsure and inconsistent in all their ways. Effective Answers: It is vitally important to give a meaningful reward any time a child behaves properly or in a desirable manner. As seen in question #1, it is the desirable outcome of a behavior that drives a child to regularly behave in a certain way. Rewards can be many different kinds of things for the child so long as they are meaningful, such as a piece of candy, an extra hour to stay up, to watch a special T.V. program, to get extra time on the X-Box, praise, approval, affirmation, or some type of special treat. The important thing is that the child is rewarded each time the child behaves in a manner that is desirable and proper. Use the rewards that have value to the child. The value of a reward may also vary from parent to parent. At different times different parents have different value to a child. For greatest impact, give a valued reward to a child for a valued behavior by the valued parent at the time. REWARDS VS. PUNISHMENTS IT IS BEST TO IMMEDIATELY PROVIDE A MEANINGFUL AND VALUED REWARD OR REINFORCEMENT BY A VALUED PARFENT AT TH TIME A CHILD BEHAVES IN A DESIRABLE AND VALUED MANNER.